Like the Back of my Hand

MaMo's Truth: You think you know yourself. Then a challenge comes. You think you know yourself. Then you fall in love. You think you know yourself. Then you get what you want. Eventually you'll realize you don't know yourself at all.

Operation Speak-a-lot: My graduation speech is coming along well. My coach and parents are very helpful. My coach says I have a problem with adding little things when I actually deliver it though... Is that a problem? Sometimes in the moment I add some spice, ya know? Buuuuuut I guess it doesn't work. I understand the risk in ad libbing. I do say silly things.

And of course when I actually give it in front of all my peers and their families, I may have no mental stability to intelligently ad lib anyway sooooooo... getting it down word for word may be a smart idea.

I used to think I was a good speaker. Then in an actual competition, when so much confidence had been shared, I placed 9th. Out of 12 people. It was an eye-opening experience. I felt like one of those American Idol auditioners who had been told all their life that they could sing, but then they open their mouth and you wonder if it's all a joke.

I am an American Idol Joke.

I used to think I was a peppy person that went all out and could conquer daunting tasks to the finish, with a smile. But as graduation nears, it gets less and less exciting and more and more dreadfully stressful. Here I am, feeling unprepared for the next day, losing passion, spacing homework assignments, and constantly imagining dropping out or whether I should care if my GPA hits an all time low.

This is bad. Very very bad. Malo.

I used to think a lot about myself. I could make a whole list of things I thought I knew about myself.

But now I don't think that part of my education will ever end.